jigsaw

have you ever spent a whole day, trying to piece together a period in time that you so desperately want to re-live, because you weren’t ready for those moments to end?

those moments that you were bursting out of your skin, lunging, clawing with everything you had to reach for the one person that made you feel like you had substance to your life, that helped you open yourself to love, that made you consider your very being? 

i’m afraid, and i reluctantly admit, that this is exactly what i’m doing.

normally, my mind is like a sink, with a plug. My thoughts are like the water, circling so fast, like silk, but then being sucked away by the plug; drained from existence.

yet now this drain is full, whilst i aimlessly pluck at the thoughts, in my not so meritorious attempt to peice together the jigsaw that resembles that time in my life, that time when i had you.

yet, as i think harder, and squeeze my brain, trying to wring it out like a sagging, soaking cloth, i struggle to remember if you actually were mine at all.

thinking back, allowing myself to remember, i can still smell the soap with which i washed myself with during our period of uncertainty, where i was longing for you to take all of the needed risks to allow me to taste you, taste you like a Chinese hungry ghost, so fucking hungry. I remember the strawberry, that strong scent that stuck to my skin like glue hours from bathing, the smell which you loved. The smell which, i’m sure, you will not remember.

- 2008